I drive to and from work on Broadway every day. Each time I merge onto this congested behemoth of a road, I feel like I just entered the set of the next Mad Max movie, and I am left to fend for myself amidst the chaos of broken traffic rules and general disregard for fellow drivers.

However, the most heinous of all of the idiocy I see on a daily basis is the blatant disregard for the rules of the center turn lane. Let’s dive into this issue and see exactly what is going wrong.

If it is necessary to use the center turn lane, follow the age-old advice given at theme parks across the nation: “Keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times”. Okay, so maybe that doesn’t work as well as I wanted it to, but the point is to keep your vehicle inside of this lane at all times. If I have to Mission Impossible my car past your bumper which has magically remained halfway in my lane, then Houston, we have a problem.

The center turn lane should be used cautiously. I think the mirrors on the side of my car are rather handsome, and I would not like to see them crushed by Speed Racer who can’t wait to get his or her hands on that tasty large coffee treat. Broadway is already congested enough without accidents, so if you cause one this way, we just can’t be friends anymore.

Finally, and I can feel myself getting angry as I type this, THE CENTER TURN LANE IS NOT A PLACE FOR YOU TO WAIT TO MERGE INTO TRAFFIC!!! But seriously folks, let’s just all sign a pact not to do this. It gets in the way of other drivers, and doesn’t allow them to use that turn lane at all. When I see this I don’t even get road rage, I just get road disappointment. Remember when your favorite teacher in high school got disappointed at you for acting out, and then you felt bad about it for the next five years? This is the same concept.

Solving the center turn lane crisis across America would solve problems nationwide. Broken state budget? Fix the center turn lane. No state budget? Center turn lane. Climate change? Well…maybe not that one. If I ever decide to run for public office, I think I have already found my platform. Boren 2020: Make The Center Turn Lane Great Again.

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