10 Reasons Why Moving to Iowa is a Disaster – Don’t Do It

When I tell you to never move to Iowa, I speak from experience. There are 10 compelling reasons why the thought of moving to the Hawkeye State should never ever enter your mind.

Get our free mobile app

My wife was born and raised in Iowa and most of her family still lives there. They are wonderful people, but don't let that influence you to think making Iowa your home is a good idea. As a matter of fact, I have compiled a comprehensive list of 10 reasons why you should never make the land of Children of the Corn your home. Let's begin.

I suppose you could make a case that rolling fields of corn and quaint little farms have a classic Americana Norman Rockwell vibe, but that nostalgic stuff is overrated...right?

It's probably just a coincidence that so many people are moving to places like Des Moines and Iowa City because of all the things do do downtown after dark. What are those people thinking anyway?

It's a fact that there are no MLB, NFL or NHL teams in Iowa. It's true that the Field of Dreams, one of the most iconic baseball places in the world is in Iowa. Yes, the Cubs have a great minor league team there, but it's not like the Iowa Hawkeyes have one of the best female players in a generation, right? Oh, wait...

It's too bad that Iowa has no quiet farms with rolling fields of crops that you can meditate over to get your piece of mind back. It's a crying shame there's none of that here.

You won't find any great cities in Iowa other than Des Moines, Iowa City, Cedar Rapids, Davenport, Waterloo, Council Bluffs, Bettendorf or Burlington. None of that city stuff here.

OK, sure, Iowa does grow the most corn in America which is vital to just about every food chain in the country, but other than that and a dozen other crucial crops, nothing really important is grown here. Hmm.

Did you hear that Iowa women are considered some of the most beautiful ladies in America? Someone should probably need to get their glasses prescription updated, right? Oh, wait...

Sure, there are some really nice lakes throughout Iowa and a few rivers you might have heard of like that Mississippi River thing, but that's it. No other great water places in Iowa other than the nice one near Iowa City, Cedar Rapids and Des Moines. That's pretty much it.

Don't pay attention to those smiling faces. That Iowa family is miserable. They think that they're happy. They are so wrong for probably a multitude of reasons. Give me a minute to think about that.

Yes, I'll admit that Iowa overall is considered one of the safest states in America, but you could easily sprain an ankle on one of those quaint dirt roads in the country. There's also the possibility of choking on that corn-on-the-cob you'll surely want to eat. A rabid raccoon could invade your home and bite you. The fact that violent crime is rare here is completely overrated. You haven't known fear until you've seen a cow go out of control. OK, so I probably have nothing dangerous on this one.